Managing relationships or as the philosopher Martin Buber very aptly put it in his quote: “Man becomes I through You”.

“Managing relationships” is as important for a successful life as oxygen is for breathing. We are responsible for breathing ourselves. We have learned this from the first moment. It functions automatically or involuntarily, but is equally influenceable by us.

Our collective longing for fulfilling relationships…

This metaphor illustrates many parallels to our relationship life. The purity of the air is determined by us and by others. Partners, friends, family, colleagues, i.e., our social environment, influence the atmosphere in which we live.

If there is too much pressure in the air or if it is too foggy or even polluted, this makes our breathing difficult and affects our happiness in life.

There are times when it is difficult to (re)find the path to a clear, clean relationship world without outside support.

“My mother was a tyrant. I loved and hated her… I learned a lot from her… also for later life. In my current relationship, I am the dominant one… but I don’t want to be that anymore…”

This statement from a client shows the complexity of relationships. Experiences from the past are experienced in the present and affect the future.

Relationships play a key role.

In all psychotherapeutic schools, “relationship management” is assigned an important role. In Systemic Family Therapy, which I orient myself to, relationships in all facets play a key role.

The relationship to myself, the “rock in the surf”.

From the perspective of Systemic Family Therapy, it’s not just about the relationship to myself, which represents the “rock in the surf” where personal well-being is anchored. Equally important are the many relationships to other relevant systems in the spectrum between family, friends, peer groups, work environment, and society.

To what extent these diverse relationships can be brought into a dynamic balance is ultimately determined by each individual for themselves. It’s about exploring boundaries and ranges of how one gets along with oneself – that is, with one’s soul.

The path to the solution is possible for you, take this path with my guidance.

As a representative of Systemic Family Therapy, it is self-evident that the basic understanding as well as the “tools” of this “school” are oriented towards the systemic basic philosophy. This is characterized, among other things, by promoting the potentials of the client with different instruments in the spectrum between solution-oriented conversations, genograms, family boards, and family constellations. It’s about activating the clients’ own solution potentials.

I work with different therapeutic approaches.

Despite the systemic orientation, I am aware that the diversity of psychological challenges requires different therapeutic responses. Therefore, in addition to Systemic Family Therapy, other recognized therapeutic approaches such as behavioral therapy or psychoanalytic strategies are drawn upon – if needed. For example, processing traumatic childhood experiences is indispensable in many cases – this tracing back to childhood is oriented, among other things, to a psychoanalytic perspective. In this context, it should be noted that Systemic Family Therapy – chronologically considered – builds on psychoanalysis, humanistic psychology, and behavioral therapy, and has expanded these concepts with a systemic perspective.

Our relationship with our parents, shaping our lives.

According to my understanding as a systemic family therapist, the relationship between children and their parents forms an essential prerequisite for later development. The parental home essentially lays the ‘relationship seed’. Upon closer examination, relationship reveals itself as a very complex concept, because it’s about…

• clarifying and developing the relationship with oneself
• as well as fostering the ‘relationship culture’ with others, e.g., partners, friends, work colleagues.

From this consideration, the areas of work in my therapeutic practice emerge:

• Relationship with oneself: This focus area includes, among others, the relationship with one’s own body as well as sexuality. The therapeutic work encompasses…
  • Challenges faced by adolescents in the most important phase of their lives (self-becoming in adolescence);
  • Emotion regulation disorders and associated externalizing (outwardly acting behavior, e.g., aggression) and internalizing (inwardly acting, e.g., anxieties and depression) behaviors;
  • Dealing with eating disorders (overweight, obesity, underweight, anorexia);
  • Addressing sexual disorders (sex addiction, erectile dysfunction, orgasm disorders, etc.);
  • Support on the path of gender identity (gender dysphoria or transsexualism; timing of coming out, etc.).

• Relationship with Others: The broad spectrum of this field of work includes the shaping of relationships, such as…
  • Relationships in the school environment;
  • Relationships in the work environment;
  • Relationships in a partnership/marriage;
  • Relationships with same-sex partners (homosexuality);
  • Relationships with multiple partners (polyamorous relationships).

In the words of the famous philosopher Buber, “All real life is encounter, life is not possible without encounter” (Buber, M. Works I. Writings on Philosophy, p. 85).

You are the screenwriter, director, and actor of your life.

How do I, as a teenager, create a “super great performance” on the stage of my life?

For adolescents and young adults, the time between about 12 and 30 years (early, middle, late adolescence or puberty) counts as a challenging phase of life.

Sons become men and daughters become women.

A child and adolescent psychiatrist described this phase, which is additionally shaped by our fast-paced times, as follows: “The adolescent rewrites the script while still standing on stage”. Whether this performance becomes an adventure film, a love story, a drama, an action movie, or a comedy is determined by the screenwriters, directors, and of course, the actors.

Would you like to become the protagonist of your own story or your own film?

There is no royal road that proves to be the ideal, the right one. What counts is the individual path on which adolescents can develop. The decision on which path to take is ultimately made by each individual for themselves! Unwantedly, this is sometimes a bumpy road, the easy way appears tempting – obstacles wait here and there.

What do adolescents really need? Why are mistakes not allowed to happen?

Parents or single parents mean well when they are too expectant, when they act too strictly or too tolerantly. However, to successfully master developmental tasks, the basic needs of the young people affected must be met. These include…

• a trusting, caring relationship to develop healthy attachment behavior (for example, a connection between insecure attachment behavior and eating disorders is possible),
• appreciative feedback from their reference persons to activate their need for healthy self-esteem protection. Too great a divergence between self-assessment and external assessment can have negative consequences. In the worst case, this can lead to school-refusing behavior, for example.
• Orientation and control – these help adolescents understand and influence the world. If these needs are ignored, helplessness and passivity may result in the worst case.
• The basic need for pleasure gain and avoidance of displeasure – this basic need should not be confused with excess. If people feel taken seriously from early childhood onwards, this usually leads to strengthening their self-worth.

Some parents or single parents ‘carry their own backpacks’ and don’t want to pass them on to the next generation. Sometimes this works better, sometimes less so, and despite the best intentions, the backpacks are unwittingly passed on. The number of single parents is increasing. Here, the phenomenon of ‘parentification’ often occurs. Children unwillingly take on the roles of absent partners and then cannot be children.

How can I, as a young person, learn successful coping strategies?

In this challenging maturation phase, young people are capable of displaying a wide range of behavioral repertoires. In doing so, they test not only their own limits and boundaries but also those of their closest relatives. Conflicts can serve as helpful friction surfaces to explore one’s own positions. The search for one’s own identity takes its course.

What’s behind the regulation of my emotions?

Depending on the problem-solving strategies used, ‘the wheat is separated from the chaff’. Responses like ‘I don’t want to do anything anymore’ (= giving up), ‘that’s not possible at all’ (= negative thinking), ‘I don’t want to see anyone now’ (= social withdrawal), etc. indicate dysfunctional or maladaptive emotion regulation strategies. This form of stress management provides initial hidden clues to emerging psychological stress.

Emotion regulation is not an isolated process, but is influenced by biological factors (e.g., temperament), cognitive factors (e.g., information processing processes), and environmental factors (e.g., family influences).

Externalizing behavior (i.e., outward-directed behavior such as aggression) and internalizing behavior (inward-directed behavior such as depression, anxiety, somatic complaints, schizoid disorders) have their origins in emotion regulation deficits.

• Aggressions are relatively easy for outsiders, e.g., parents, friends, to sense and hear.
• With anxieties, depressions, etc., sometimes the affected adolescent only notices the burden at a later stage. Fear of failure, fear of making too many mistakes, fear of the future, fear of not finding a job, fear of not being good enough, etc. are frequently occurring phenomena.

Who am I? Who do I want to be?

During this unstable time, young people are preoccupied with themselves (including self-esteem and identity). At the same time, the separation from previously important reference persons and the approach to peers also leads to uncertainties. The development of the relationship to oneself as well as to others does not occur autonomously, but in mutual dependence.

In the development of the relationship to oneself, mutually influencing changes take place on physical, emotional, and cognitive levels.

Physical changes include, among others…

• the identification with one’s own body. This can lead to eating disorders in both directions (anorexia, obesity up to adiposity).
• accepting one’s own gender (if the adolescent feels a rejection of their own gender, this leads to irritations and inner conflicts because they reject a part of themselves).
• the development of one’s own sexuality (sexuality is still a taboo subject. Orgasm disorders, negative experiences during first sex, sex addiction can have their origins in early years).

Emotional changes include, among others, mood swings, seemingly uncontrollable behaviors that others might describe as ‘conspicuous’.

Cognitive changes include, among others, the development of one’s own values, self-concept, and identity.

How do important others see me? What do my friends think of me?

The influence of friends, peers, school and college colleagues becomes increasingly significant in this phase of life. Do these relationships have parallels to the parental relationship or do they differ comprehensively? Are these relationships good for them, are they strenuous, are they ‘toxic’, are they exciting, invigorating? Without doubt, the proverb ‘Show me your friends and I’ll tell you who you are’ very clearly expresses that the social environment decisively shapes one’s own development.

‘Imagine that tonight – while you’re asleep – a miracle happens: The problem that’s bothering you at the moment has disappeared after this ‘miraculous’ night’!

How would you notice that the problem has disappeared?

The miracle question, popularized by Steve de Shazer, sounds almost fairytale-like and clarifies, among other things, whether your problem is related to the past, present, or future. Similarly, the question of how you would recognize that the problem has disappeared indicates that you are not only the “architect” of your own problems but also of their solutions.

Systemic Family Therapy not only assumes a positive view of human nature but also the belief that every individual carries the answers to questions or problems within themselves.

The cause of stress and discomfort can be related to current or past relationships or to one’s own “processing software”.

I deal with various symptoms that can be summarized into two main groups.

(1) Relationship with oneself …

• Do you treat yourself well enough? Are you one of those people who are satisfied with your body, your figure, your radiance and charismatic effect on others?
• Are you in a relationship but still feel lonely?

One explanation for this would be the high divorce rate. This also increases the number of single households. Living alone can lead to social isolation. The feeling of loneliness increases.

Statements from my clients sound like this:

“… I feel unwanted and left alone …”
“… Nobody is there for me …”
“… nobody can understand me …”

• Do you feel insecure or anxious in some situations?

Fear is an important companion and has ensured our survival so far. However, if it takes the “upper hand” and becomes the “dictator of our lives”, then it becomes a burden. Usually, fears develop as a creeping process. In any case, burdensome fears are important and serious signals from our body (shortness of breath, sweating, …) and our thought patterns (negative thought cycles …).

Statements from my clients sound like this:

“… what could happen while riding the subway… but I always feel fear”
“… I know I shouldn’t think like this … I shouldn’t dwell on it”
“… I have to be strong … I don’t want to be afraid …”
“… I couldn’t breathe anymore, I couldn’t breathe, I thought I was going to die …”
“… I’m afraid every time he leaves because I don’t know if he’ll come back …”

• Do you find yourself increasingly lacking energy, feeling down, helpless … difficult/impossible to motivate?

Then you have been struck by the fate called “depression”. This illness has now become one of the most common burdens after anxiety disorders and dementia. The causes for this are manifold.

Statements from my clients sound like this:

“… I was never like this …”
“I can hardly get out of bed anymore …”
“… nothing makes sense anymore …”

• Are you your own most frequent and harshest critic?

Then this might possibly be related to your self-worth, your self-confidence, your self-love. I’m sure there are also things in your life that you are/can be proud of. However, you’re currently paying little attention to them.

Statements from my clients sound like this:

“… I’m sometimes angry at myself …”

“… I’m constantly seeking recognition …”

“… I hate my life …”

“… I’m a total loser …”

(2) Relationship with Others

• Do you want to save your relationship or is the option of separation more attractive to you?

Relationships are among those nutrients that ensure our survival. Without relationships, we would die. The question is: “How healthily do you want to nourish yourself?”

Everything that affects us from outside in terms of relationship experiences influences our quality of life. Life events such as illness, separation, accidents – from childhood, from youth, during midlife crisis or in old age – need to be processed, otherwise they will “pop up” sooner or later. Sometimes the problem is already part of the solution.

Statements from my clients sound like this:

“… I used to feel love throughout my entire body… Today I don’t feel anything anymore…”
“… I don’t love him anymore, he has become a habit…”
“… I didn’t want to become like my mother…”

This brief excursion through the partially rugged “relationship terrain with myself and others” illustrates that in some cases, it is necessary to cross seemingly insurmountable chasms – such as depression – or to conquer seemingly invincible mountains like difficult partner relationships, because shaping fulfilling or less burdensome relationships sometimes requires external support. I invite you to find and explore appropriate solutions with my experience and expertise.